


I never wanted to love you

by mmmlinguini



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, F/F, First person narrative I'm sorry, How Do I Tag, Kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:35:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29240700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmmlinguini/pseuds/mmmlinguini
Summary: Very short one shot written for an English class - angsty childhood friends to enemies.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Female Character
Kudos: 2





	I never wanted to love you

**Author's Note:**

> First time ever posting - an assignment for English class, and my teacher didn't pick up on any gay subtext, so I guess I was kinda hoping to see if anyone would. It's in first person narrative; I sincerely apologise for this. Hope you like it!   
> Title is from Falsettos, wasn't sure what else to call it :/  
> Sorry for any weird formatting, I wrote this in word first - any mistakes are my bad sorry

I didn’t mean it.  
I didn’t mean it  
I didn’t mean it.  
I repeated this over and over in my head like a mantra – my own personal prayer. I could already start to feel bile rising in my throat, but I pushed it down. The sickly-sweet smell of popcorn and painfully bright neon posters that adorned the wall behind her in the cinema did nothing to help my growing nausea.   
I tore my eyes from whatever Marvel movie was on display in the hallway and forced them to meet her gaze. The moment I did, her eyes – glazed with tears – darted away. I watched her swallow, taking a deep breath. As though to steel herself against what I would say next. Internally, I begged for her to turn her eyes to mine, to see the message I was trying to telepathically communicate - I don’t mean it, I don’t mean it, I don’t mean it. But she didn’t.   
So I didn’t stop.   
I let the words slip off my tongue, thinking of meadows and lakes, anything to distance myself from what I was doing – the hatred I was spewing. I felt the shape of the words in my mouth as I let them flow over my tongue. I felt them ground me; these words that had long since lost their meaning to me. I kept my face neutral – a mask of cruelty as I watched her cower and wince at every sentence.   
Why couldn’t she see this was for her own good? That I was protecting her. That I could never let her go through what I went through. That I wasn’t worth it. That I wish I could tell her the truth instead of these baseless insults, but I knew how stubborn she was – she’d never understand. She would just stay by my side.  
At this thought, the mask slipped slightly; the corner of my mouth twitched up into a fond smile, entirely unaware that she was still staring at me. Her jaw set as she noticed the twitch, and hurt filled her eyes.   
“Oh.” She took a shuddering breath. “Fine.”  
And that was it.   
Two words, and the ground fell away from beneath my feet. Two words, and my world was shattered. A single tear meandered down her cheek, but she furiously wiped it away, and turned o her heel.   
I didn’t mean it, I wanted to scream. I wanted to run after her, pull her back, explain everything. But I couldn’t. My legs turned to jelly as she rounded the corner, sparing me one last look brimming with tears and contempt.   
My knees buckled.   
I collapsed to the ground; my head braced between my knees.  
I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it.   
But then again, I thought as I watched a gaggle of boys leave one of the auditoriums, the same boys who would never target her again; I kind of did, though.


End file.
